Responding When Concerned

Overcoming your hesitation to help

It’s normal to have hesitations about offering help when you know or suspect that someone is experiencing abuse. We have all grown up with the idea that intimate partner violence is a private matter. But we know isn’t true. We all have a role to play in ending intimate partner violence. Here are some things to consider.

Balancing concerns and considerations

Points of Concern	Points to Consider
You feel it’s none of your business	It could be a matter of life or death. Violence is everyone’s business
You don’t know what to say	Saying you care and are concerned is a good start
You might make things worse	Doing nothing could make things worse
It’s not serious enough to involve the police	Police are trained to respond and utilize other resources
You are afraid this violence will turn to you or your family	Speak to the person using abusive behaviour alone. Let the police know if you receive threats
You are afraid the potential perpetrator will become angry with you	Maybe, but it gives you the chance to become angry with you offer your help
You feel that both partners are your friends	One friend is being abused and lives in fear
You believe that if the person using abusive wanted help or wished to change their behaviour, they would ask for help	They may be too ashamed to ask for help
You think it is a private matter	It isn’t when someone is being hurt

Safety Planning

Safety planning is a top priority, whether a survivor chooses to remain in the home or leave. Making a safety plan involves identifying actions to increase the safety of the survivor and the safety of their children.

move to a space where you can get outside easily.
local shelter. It’s not necessary to live at the shelter to get help with a safety plan. You can find a local shelter move to a space where you can get outside easily.

Here are some suggestions that you can share with the person you are concerned about. Take one action at a time. Start with the one that is easiest and safest.

Increasing safety while living with an abuser

Suggest that the survivor think about their partner’s past use and level of force. This will help to predict what type of danger the survivor and their children are facing and when it might be safest to leave if that is what they choose to do.
Suggest that the survivor tell their children that abuse is never right, even when someone they love is being abusive. Tell them the abuse isn’t their fault and that they did not cause it. Teach them it is important to keep safe when there is abuse.
Suggest that the survivor plan where to go in an emergency and that they teach their children how to get help. Tell the children not to get between their parents if there is violence. Plan a code word to signal they should get help or leave.
Suggest that the survivor not run to a place where the children are, as the partner may hurt them as well.
Suggest that the survivor create a plan to get out of their home safely and practice it with the children.
Suggest that the survivor ask neighbours, friends and family to call the police if they hear sounds of abuse and to look after children in an emergency.
Suggest that the survivor move to a space where they can get outside easily if an argument is developing.
Suggest that the survivor avoid rooms where there is access to potential weapons (e.g. kitchen, workshop, bathroom).
Suggest that the survivor protect their face with their arms around each side of their head, with their fingers locked together if they are being hurt. Advise them not to wear scarves or long jewelry. or hair in a ponytail that the partner can grab.
Suggest that the survivor park their car by backing it into the driveway and keep it fuelled.
Suggest that the survivor hide keys, cell phone and some money near their escape route.
Suggest that the survivor have a list of phone numbers to call for help and that they call the police in an emergency.
Suggest that the survivor make sure all weapons and ammunition are hidden or removed from their home.
Let the survivor know that the local shelter or police may be able to equip them with a panic button/cell phone.

Getting ready to leave

Here are some suggestions if a survivor is planning to leave;

Suggest that the survivor contact the police or a local women’s shelter to let the staff know that they intend to leave an abusive situation and to ask for support in safety planning. If they contact the police, advise them to ask for an officer who specializes in intimate partner abuse situations (information shared with the police may result in charges being laid against the abuser).
Suggest that the survivor go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened if they are injured and ask them to document the visit.
Suggest that the survivor gather important documents such as identification, bank cards, financial papers related to family assets, their most recent Canada Income Tax Return, keys, medication, pictures of the abuser and their children, passports, health cards, personal address/telephone book, cell phone, and legal documents (e.g. immigration papers, house deed/lease, restraining orders/peace bonds).
Suggest that the survivor make copies of these documents and leave them with someone they trust if they can’t keep these things stored at home for fear their partner will find them. The local women’s shelter will also keep them.
Suggest that the survivor consult a lawyer and that they keep any evidence of physical abuse (such as photos). A journal of all violent incidents, with dates, events, threats and any witnesses is important.
Suggest that the survivor put together pictures, jewelry and objects of sentimental value, as well as toys and comfort items for their children.
Suggest that the survivor arrange with someone to care for their pets temporarily, until they get settled. A shelter may help with this.
Suggest that the survivor clear their phone of the last number they called to avoid their partner utilizing redial.
Let the survivor know that the Law Society Referral Service can provide the name of a lawyer who practices family law and will provide a free initial consultation of up to 30 minutes. If they are unable to use the online service because they are in a crisis, they may call 416-947-5255 or toll free 1-855-947-5255.

Leaving an abusive partner

Here are some suggestions to help a survivor stay safe as they are leaving:

Suggest that the survivor request a police escort. Police will often provide an escort without laying any charges unless the abusive partner or ex-partner breaks the law in the presence of police while you are leaving.
Suggest that the survivor ask a friend, neighbour, or family member to accompany them when they leave if they do not want to involve police. Ask them to be ready to call the police should violence erupt.
Suggest that the survivor contact a women’s shelter. It may be a safer temporary spot than going to a place the partner knows. Find local shelters on the Sheltersafe website
Suggest that the survivor ask the local women’s shelter to help find a safe temporary place if they are a man or do not identify as a woman.
Suggest that the survivor not tell their partner they are leaving.
Suggest that the survivor leave quickly.
Suggest that the survivor have a back-up plan if their partner finds out where they are going.

After separating