Why we need to stop asking 'why don't they just leave?'
A common question that arises when speaking about people in unhealthy/abusive relationships is 'why don’t they just leave?'. Yes, it may seem like an easy solution, but in reality, it is much more complex than just easily walking away. In fact, leaving an abusive relationship is actually one of the hardest and also most dangerous things a person can do.
The question 'why don't they just leave?' ignores the barriers people in abusive relationships face and even more so places blame on the victim rather than the abuser.
To provide more context as to why this question needs to stop being asked are as follows:
The first reason is that leaving is not always safe! We need to understand and recognize that leaving an abusive relationship is extremely dangerous. In particular, there is risk in increased violence occurring if the victim attempts to leave. This is because abusers do not want to lose control and so when they feel that this control may be taken away from them they can react with increased threat, physical harm, and even worse reactions. Instead of asking someone “why don't they leave” we can ask “how can we help the victim leave safely?”.
The second reason is emotional and psychological barriers. Just as a reminder, abuse is not always physical. That is, it can also be emotional, mental, financial, and more. When it comes to these forms of abuse, abusers are good at isolating their victims by convincing them they are unworthy of love and surviving on their own. Therefore, many victims will stay since their abuser has gaslit them into thinking the abuse is their fault and hence no one will help them. That being said, instead of asking someone “why don't they leave” we can ask “what support do victims/survivors need to rebuild their confidence and independence?”.
The third reason may be linked to cultural and social pressures. Specifically, in some cultures, religions, and family expectations divorce and separation is highly stigmatized. As a result, the victim/survivor may fear being disowned or judged by their own family and friends. In these situations, instead of asking someone “why don't they leave” we can ask “how can we create supportive communities where survivors feel safe seeking help?”.
Finally, there is the fear of not being believed. A lot of the time victims don’t want to seek support to leave since they are afraid no one will believe them. This is the sad truth in today’s society, especially when the abuser is well-liked and/or holds a lot of power. Therefore, instead of asking someone “why don't they leave” we can say “I believe you and how can I support you”.
These are just a few of the many reasons someone may remain in an abusive relationship. That being said, if we truly want to make a safer place for victims/survivors to speak out and seek help we need to shift the narrative from wondering why they choose to stay to how we can support them. Other things we can do is to listen without judgement. If someone trusts you enough to open up, don’t question their decisions but instead support them. Another thing we can do is educate ourselves on the warning signs of abuse and the best way we can provide support. Finally, we can challenge victim blaming attitudes. Specifically, when someone says “why don't they just leave” we need to explain that this is not always as simple as it may sound. Altogether, victims/survivors don't need judgement. They need your support, safety, and a community who believes them.
